I've always loved the tabloids. Not that I've ever believed a word in them, but I've always loved the writing. My favorite paper: The Weekly World News. My favorite columnist: Ed Anger.

Being a tabloid fan, I'm no stranger to Spontaneous Human Combustion, or SHC, for short. The stories are earily similar: A loved one comes to visit their elderly relative, as they approach the door they can sense something wrong. The doorknob is warm to the touch, maybe even burning, and when the door is opened a sickly sweet, sulfurous smell is released with perhaps a bit of smoke.

The loved one is found, or rather, not found, as a pile of ashes. Sometimes the pile sits on a favorite chair, or lies on the bed. Other times it's on the living room floor, or (perhaps in homage to Lenny Bruce or Judy Garland) in the bathroom. Frequently, there is one limb left unburned, a leg, still with shoe, that leads into the pile of ash.

The room around the body is generally unharmed. Perhaps a little smoke damage, often any plastic objects in the vicinity are melted. But wallpaper, carpets, wooden furniture, drapes, all remain with just a smudge of debris. And, of course, there's never any witnesses. SHC victims always die alone.

The only possible explanation, that could so completely destroy a body, yet leave the room pristine, is SHC. Some thing, some one, or some force, causes the victim to simply burst into such a torrent of flame that they are disintegrated, but the flash is so quick that nothing else has time to ignite. Seems a logical explanation.

And I've always kind of liked the idea. "That's the way I want to go," I'd say, "by SHC!"

Now, the Discovery Channel has gone and ruined my fun by explaining exactly what's been happening. But before we get to that, let's look at some of the other popular theories for what's behind SHC:

Aliens - Always a good excuse. Death beams, lasers, things we can't even begin to explain, these guys got 'em. Maybe the victim was an alien who refused to go home with his masters? Maybe an Earthling who just wasn't going to go for that anal probe they always use on us.

The Government - Hey, they've got to test out those neutron bomb ideas on somebody. Why not a delinquent tax payer?

God - The victim was obviously a sinner. What greater sign could you ask for than SHC?

Booze - I knew the victim, and he was a lousy drunk. He probably just passed out with a whiskey bottle in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other, and there you go.

Yoga - Don't laugh, this has seriously been put forth as a theory by real science guys. In certain yoga practices, such as kundalini, practitioners describe a warm release of energy emanating from the base of their spine. Kundalini run wild, in the body of somebody who isn't ready for it, has been blamed for SHC.

Well, the smarty 'educational TV' types down at The Discovery Channel have uncovered a few things and found what they believe to be the full explanation of SHC. It turns out that Spontaneous Human Combustion is anything BUT spontaneous. It is actually a process that takes about five to seven hours.

The science boys were put on the trail of this explanation by a case of SHC that was also a case of murder. An inept murderer tried dumping a body and burning it. Two problems arose. First, there were witnesses. Second, he didn't use enough fuel. The witness saw the murderer light the body, then left the scene to go get the police.

When she returned several hours later with the police (this is not an article about government efficiency, so don't even THINK of commenting on that "several hours" bit) the body was still smoldering. The portions that had burned had pretty much crumbled to ash, while the trees and dried leaves nearby were not scorched at all.

The theory they came up with is called The Wick Effect. It's as if you made a candle with the wick on the outside (like a stick of wax wrapped in cotton). The melting wax is the fuel that keeps the burning wick under control. Substitute slowly melting body fat being rendered into the clothing wick, and you have Non-Spontaneous Human Combustion.

To test the theory, the research folks wrapped a pig in some sheets, and laid it on a bed in a room made up to resemble the scene of one particular SHC case. They spilled just enough gasoline on the pig to get the fire started, but not enough to get it really roaring. Sure enough, a very slow burn, with flames only about 12 inches high, took seven hours to reduce the pig to ash. In the room, the plastic case of the TV had melted, but the bed did not flare up, nor did the drapes, wallpaper, or anything else.

So, going back to our original set of theories, it turns out that the booze theory is closest to the truth. The victims set themselves ablaze. Most of us, if we dropped a match, would quickly put it out. But, if we had a heart attack immediately before or after dropping the match, we might just set ourselves on fire. If we have lots of people around us, they'd smell the fire and come immediately to put us out. If we lived alone, it could burn for a good long time before anybody came along. And when they did they could only surmise it was SHC that had done us in.

I'm kind of glad I know the explanation, and I enjoyed watching the program, but it has taken just a little of the joy out of my tabloid reading.

Well, as long as they don't debunk the alien who's been advising Clinton, I'll be alright.